Indonesian Lullabies

I learned an Indonesian Lullaby once and it stuck with me. I loved being whisked away by this foreign language and having no idea what was being sung, but the melody was cathartic. It was whimsical and soothing and made the world around me feel, 'right'.

Lately in my life I haven't felt much. Not too excited about much, not too driven to do much, and not too thrilled to achieve much. I wish I could find another Indonesian lullaby to sweep me off my feet and take me up to dreamland. It's been too long since I've just relished in passion and drive. As lame and depressing as this post sounds, I assure you, I'm happy. I'm just tired of gliding lethargically through each day. I'd like to be wrapped up in something so wonderful that it depletes all my energy to fight through and make a difference in something. I want to be wound tight again and taken back to the time and place where there was a deep heart-aching purpose. Where, like that old Indonesian lullaby, I had no idea what was happening, but I knew it felt right and good and beautiful. Like when dancing for no reason made perfect sense. Or when laughing at nothing was a perfectly good reason to laugh. I'm searching for that Indonesian lullaby...I'll keep you posted.

Woven.

It takes many years for a blanket or rug to be woven into a masterpiece. It takes thousands of strands and thousands of hours invested into it. It takes patience, determination, and vision for someone to complete it. I'm realizing this lately; I am being woven, I am not the mastermind behind it. I am not the weaver; I am the blanket in progress.

I am an achiever. I am a do-er. I am the one who always puts in the effort, who makes the dream come alive and who brings others' dreams to reality. But not today.

I've recently taken a step back to observe who I am. I've been trying to fit all the pieces together into what I think I'm doing and where I'm headed. But maybe, for now, I should focus on the fact that I'm a growing and changing blanket and everyone and everything in my life is shaping me into something greater than I can even imagine, so maybe it isn't my job to figure it out just yet. I've been too focused on where the thread needs to go and what color should be used next and how it must be executed for the 'perfect' final product. And as of late, I've taken a step back to witness the beauty of this blanket that is being created by my life.

I'm finding comfort, today, in the big picture. Not in the small idiosyncrasies or imperfections. And today I see a blanket being woven, not all of the hard work and details that must be just right. Today I am appreciating the work in progress.
I am being woven and I'm not finished just yet.

I'm leaving the analysis for another day. The expectation to be a 10 can come on another day. Sometimes we need to take a step back from all of the 'I need to...' and take a look at ourselves and say, 'I am.'

And today I'm not focused on my end product; I'm focused on the fact that I'm being woven, and I am going to just leave it at that, for today.

Stewie. My dog.

I am a human and I'm distraught over a dang dog, which is why I'm almost embarrassed to write this post. But at the same time, this dog was one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. I'd dreamed of getting a Great Dane for most of my adult life....and my darling husband let me get one this April; and his name is Stewie.

You have to understand, we don't have kids, so Stewie immediately became my little man. I dote on him left and right. We go for runs/walks in the morning and I come home at lunch to snuggle with him and at night we all play together... this is our little family. I know I sound dumb to those of you with human children, ha, but you have to understand that he is my child at this point in my life. He demands my attention, and I'm happy to give it to him because I love him so much.

Well. After many tests and weird behavior from Stewie, we found out this week that he has bone cancer. Just typing that makes me feel so stupid because he's a DOG, but at the same time, typing that brings me to tears...he is the closest thing I have to a child at this point in my life.
We've been given options that include amputation and chemotherapy...and of those, they will only EXTEND his life a year at best. This is non-curable.

We are not some couple who has $3,000+ to put into a dog....to add a year to his life (max.). We can get some meds for him that will reduce the pain while this disease continues to spread through his lungs, but it will only help the pain, nothing more.

Today, my full-of-life Stewie laid on the couch for 10 hours. He is showing symptoms that he is in pain...I don't know what we should do. My husband, Brent, has been amazing through all of this. Where I am usually his partner in coming up with logical explanations and conclusions about life, right now I am an emotional train-wreck...something I'm not used to. Part of me just wants to amputate just in case he is the miracle child who survives and lives a beautiful life....he's only 4 for goodness sakes!!! But deep down I know that it just won't help.

So here I am, faced with having to put my dream dog/pet/son down within a week of hearing he is sick. To make matters worse, it's my birthday on Saturday. So do we do it early this week so I can enjoy my day or do we do it at the end of the week so we have the weekend to digest it?

I can't process his death just yet, so right now I'm trying to just get through RIGHT NOW. And he's laying next to me with his head on my lap snuggling me on the couch...sleeping. What a beautiful 6 months it's been...

When the world stays sleeping

I'm a morning person. I get up early, go for a run while the sun rises and I'm good. But tonight, however, I'm up. The world is a very different place when everything is sleeping. My home is dark, so I can't see the CHAOTIC MESS of thing strewn across the living room and kitchen. Our dog is asleep, so I don't have a constant nose in my crotch begging for attention. My husband was too tired to talk to his obsessive wife any longer...he crashed. So while the world stays sleeping my blaring thoughts aren't about to let me doze into abandon.
What's on my mind? Too many things for a blog...but I'm disappointed in myself as of late. Do you ever feel like you are not enough, and then you make others feel like they are not enough? As if you can even out the negative score on yourself if you just let others know they aren't up to par either.....what is that SICK part of our nature? It's an ugly beast that loiters, just waiting for the right moment to jump in and remind us, "Let them know they aren't perfect either...remember the time they forgot to _____________..."
Well, it's come time to 'turn on the light' and let the sun rise on the scattered mess on my mind and heart...It's time to bring on the spotlight and reveal the chaos that has been allowed to sit too long.
Wish me luck. While the world sleeps tonight, a light has been turned on and a deep cleaning is about to begin in me. While it's liberating and refreshing, it takes time and sometimes it just plain sucks to have to clean everything up. But it's my own mess....

and then we all grew up...

Do you ever look in the mirror and think ? When in the world did we all grow up?! Summer has always been the season of weddings and babies, but this summer has rocked my world with the wedding bliss chaos and baby explosions galore~
Everyone and their mother's, literally, are having kids. I recently attended my 8th baby shower THIS YEAR, and just planned and attended a wedding shower of the 6th wedding I will be attending this summer. When did we all grow up? And what am I supposed to be feeling in this weird time of being a wife and not single, but being a wife and NOT a mother....it's not at all what I'd imagined.

My sister also recently moved, and with all my friends having kids or getting married, I feel a bit lonely. Brent and I have been able to spend a ton of time together alone, which was RARE for our first two years of marraige, but now it's like I feel we have NO outlet. My friends are all Mommy now and hanging out with them seems to be a half-hearted, half-attention, half-conversation all in itself. Which I completely understand....THEY HAVE A BABY....but it makes me feel as though I just don't belong in their world of 'my eyes are looking at you, but my thoughts are on what my child is doing in the carseat next to me." Obviously, I get this mentality, and I will DEFINITELY be 'that' mother when I have kids of my own. But for now, I DON'T have kids of my own and I feel two polar opposite emotions. 1.)I feel a little left out of the 'look at my new baby' club. and 2.) I feel a little relieved that I am not in the 'look at my new baby' club.

I'm not ready to be completely absorbed in my own child and not work and stay at home all day. But I am also the woman sitting at home everynight watching movies because she has nothing better to do because all her friends are nursing, feeding, entertaining, and cuddling their new additions to the family.
It's an odd place I've found myself this summer.....

To you new mothers: You get to constantly look into the eyes of a baby YOU made with someone you love. You get to ENJOY your time with your adorable new additions because they are YOURS. They are beautiful miracles from God and you are a part of their life's journey.

To those of you who aren't in the new motherhood club: You get to take naps and relish in the idea that no one will be waking you up. You can take a walk, alone, and take as much time as YOU want with no distractions.

I guess there is immense beauty on both sides of the spectrum...I'm just walking the fine line right in between and haven't really decided which side I want to be on at the moment. However, I think I'm leaning toward the "no throw-up on my cute clothes" side....just sayin...

To those who govern:

To you. Whether you are an attorney at law, a police officer, or even a security guard. This is my letter to you. I want to start with a thank you. In the last few weeks I've encountered several of you, from VARIOUS fields, and you all seem to be interested in one thing: justice.

But here is where I must pry a little deeper with several questions. And these are not coming from a sarcastic angle or with ANY snide intention. To anyone who reads this, ask your fellow family members or friends who represent the law...these questions are coming from a genuine heart that is trying to make sense of things.

To those of you who govern: Why do you do it? How can you go home at night knowing you did something for a greater good, but someone out there is angry with you, or that maybe someone was innocent afterall? Maybe I am just too concerned with creating a world of peace that my stomach is too fragile for that type of work. (Well, it definitely is... ha.)

Before I receive comments from those on the defense, I want to explain where I'm coming from. I just spent a week and a half as a federal juror. I won't go into the details of the case, but I am the person who ALWAYS sees both sides of the story...so making up my mind is a difficult task.

So I'm at the place of coming to grips with my decision in the case. Was he guilty, yes...on some of the counts. But my mind continually reminds me, "But Erica, he really was just at the wrong place and the wrong time." And those of you in law KNOW that there are so many convicted felons in this world who were put in jail solely because they just made the terrible mistake of not telling someone of authority what was going on....(yes, they are still in the wrong and should be tried as guilty...)

While I can live with, an agree with, what our jury decided as a verdict, I am finding it hard to live with the 'what if's' of the situation...what if he really DIDN'T know what was going on around him. Did we just put a man in prison (for a very long time) who was innocent?

To those of you who govern....how do you digest the 'what if's' in your situation?
I can't seem to shake the, very real, possibility that we didn't really get the whole story....and decided someone's fate.

And to those of you who have maybe had to make a decision that effected the entire life of someone else....how did you live with NO regrets in your decisions?

This comes from a heavy heart. I would truly love any and all words that people have to say on this matter.

Blue Toenails

I painted my toenails blue yesterday. Blue is not usually the color I'd pick for my toes, but it was just one of those, "Blue is good today," days. And today is sunny and I wore sandals to work and my blue toenails came with me. Just looking down at them makes me smile.
My blue toenails took Stewie, our great dane, for a walk and they loved the summer sunshine that joined us.
Nothing profound to say today. But sometimes blue toenails can make all the difference in the world. They can make you laugh. And that's all I've got today.
Hope you have a "blue toenail" kind of day today!