and then we all grew up...

Do you ever look in the mirror and think ? When in the world did we all grow up?! Summer has always been the season of weddings and babies, but this summer has rocked my world with the wedding bliss chaos and baby explosions galore~
Everyone and their mother's, literally, are having kids. I recently attended my 8th baby shower THIS YEAR, and just planned and attended a wedding shower of the 6th wedding I will be attending this summer. When did we all grow up? And what am I supposed to be feeling in this weird time of being a wife and not single, but being a wife and NOT a mother....it's not at all what I'd imagined.

My sister also recently moved, and with all my friends having kids or getting married, I feel a bit lonely. Brent and I have been able to spend a ton of time together alone, which was RARE for our first two years of marraige, but now it's like I feel we have NO outlet. My friends are all Mommy now and hanging out with them seems to be a half-hearted, half-attention, half-conversation all in itself. Which I completely understand....THEY HAVE A BABY....but it makes me feel as though I just don't belong in their world of 'my eyes are looking at you, but my thoughts are on what my child is doing in the carseat next to me." Obviously, I get this mentality, and I will DEFINITELY be 'that' mother when I have kids of my own. But for now, I DON'T have kids of my own and I feel two polar opposite emotions. 1.)I feel a little left out of the 'look at my new baby' club. and 2.) I feel a little relieved that I am not in the 'look at my new baby' club.

I'm not ready to be completely absorbed in my own child and not work and stay at home all day. But I am also the woman sitting at home everynight watching movies because she has nothing better to do because all her friends are nursing, feeding, entertaining, and cuddling their new additions to the family.
It's an odd place I've found myself this summer.....

To you new mothers: You get to constantly look into the eyes of a baby YOU made with someone you love. You get to ENJOY your time with your adorable new additions because they are YOURS. They are beautiful miracles from God and you are a part of their life's journey.

To those of you who aren't in the new motherhood club: You get to take naps and relish in the idea that no one will be waking you up. You can take a walk, alone, and take as much time as YOU want with no distractions.

I guess there is immense beauty on both sides of the spectrum...I'm just walking the fine line right in between and haven't really decided which side I want to be on at the moment. However, I think I'm leaning toward the "no throw-up on my cute clothes" side....just sayin...

To those who govern:

To you. Whether you are an attorney at law, a police officer, or even a security guard. This is my letter to you. I want to start with a thank you. In the last few weeks I've encountered several of you, from VARIOUS fields, and you all seem to be interested in one thing: justice.

But here is where I must pry a little deeper with several questions. And these are not coming from a sarcastic angle or with ANY snide intention. To anyone who reads this, ask your fellow family members or friends who represent the law...these questions are coming from a genuine heart that is trying to make sense of things.

To those of you who govern: Why do you do it? How can you go home at night knowing you did something for a greater good, but someone out there is angry with you, or that maybe someone was innocent afterall? Maybe I am just too concerned with creating a world of peace that my stomach is too fragile for that type of work. (Well, it definitely is... ha.)

Before I receive comments from those on the defense, I want to explain where I'm coming from. I just spent a week and a half as a federal juror. I won't go into the details of the case, but I am the person who ALWAYS sees both sides of the story...so making up my mind is a difficult task.

So I'm at the place of coming to grips with my decision in the case. Was he guilty, yes...on some of the counts. But my mind continually reminds me, "But Erica, he really was just at the wrong place and the wrong time." And those of you in law KNOW that there are so many convicted felons in this world who were put in jail solely because they just made the terrible mistake of not telling someone of authority what was going on....(yes, they are still in the wrong and should be tried as guilty...)

While I can live with, an agree with, what our jury decided as a verdict, I am finding it hard to live with the 'what if's' of the situation...what if he really DIDN'T know what was going on around him. Did we just put a man in prison (for a very long time) who was innocent?

To those of you who govern....how do you digest the 'what if's' in your situation?
I can't seem to shake the, very real, possibility that we didn't really get the whole story....and decided someone's fate.

And to those of you who have maybe had to make a decision that effected the entire life of someone else....how did you live with NO regrets in your decisions?

This comes from a heavy heart. I would truly love any and all words that people have to say on this matter.